Culture | | May 04, 2018

NAME: Sam Schnellman


COMPLAINT: Fabricated police report



“Someone in our building called Crime Stoppers on us. A cop rocked up in plain clothes and a Patagonia tee and leant against the fridge for a while. He flicked out his badge and told me there’d been an anonymous report – something about violent noises from our apartment that sounded like ‘someone getting their head caved in’.


We’ve been partying a bit. My housemate’s going through a breakup. The other night he was pretty loaded. He walked up the driveway breaking all the lights with a plant he found in the garden. When he got home, he started spanking himself with the plant in the middle of the lounge room floor. I assume that’s what the anonymous complaint was about. Someone mistaking violence for flagellation via plantation.


I’m pretty sure it was the tenants below us. They’ve reported on me before for parking my Renault in the visitors parking. They turned off my hot water supply once because I used the community notice board to post anti-Adani articles. Anyway, I’ll be moving once I get my finances together.


He’s been blaring Snow Patrol from his bathroom.”


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Images | Gabe Filippa