We recently suggested that you ditch your Nike’s in favour of a wardrobe inspired by ’80s porn films. Now that you’ve taken that on board, it’s time to completely revolutionise your beauty routine.
And who did beauty better than the early 1900’s?
1.) Be White
What’s more sensual than stripping an entire culture of their individuality and history by whitening their skin and straightening their hair? Nothing, clearly. In order to achieve this first step, you’ll need to purchase Cook’s ‘Lightning’ Soap, a shit ton of Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes, some Birkenstocks and an inability to acknowledge your own privilege.
2.) Smoke Way More
Smoking increases your chances of lung cancer, strokes, infertility and growing some fucked up teeth. But science won’t prove that for a few more years, so keep on puffing. Not only will Kent cigarettes keep you sexy and skinny, but they’ll make you look like a budget Sean Connery, too. Go figure.
3.) Don’t Be Fat
Is your husband fat-shaming you? Why leave him when you could succumb to the patriarchy instead? Lose of a bunch of weight using the sanitized tape worms (in a jar). You’ll be just like Sandy from Grease: overhauling your physical appearance all in the name of impressing some guy.
4.) Don’t Be Skinny
Did you lose too much weight? Is your husband skinny-shaming you? Are society’s expectations of beauty driving you up the wall? Suppress those feelings of rebellion and take yeast tablets. You’ll be looking like a disillusioned Marilyn Monroe in no time.
5.) Dress Like You’re In Prison
Once you’ve secured yourself a soul mate, how do you keep things interesting in the bedroom? By dressing like a prisoner, of course. Only $8.89 for the couple set? What an absolute steal.
Inspired? Cop free shipping from SSENSE Clothing.
Cover Image: Instagram | @marilynmonroe